I could never forget that day. That day when a tailless stray cat caressing its body against my legs. That was the moment when I never imagine it to be ye it happened. I heard things I wish I would never hear them but he said it. Things torn apart yet I’m hanging on, still. The only special person who could hurt you so much, yes, that’s the person you love.

I was thinking earlier the day, what if I happened to own a gun with a bullet in it to kill myself. I thought, would I have used it years ago, or would it be today the bullet explodes my head?

The tailless cat was peculiar. The tail was being cut by force, of course, why would a cat wish it tail being cut anyway? The tail used to be the cat’s charisma. It’s gone, but the cat’s life goes on without its tail. Yet, it lost its criteria to be a cat. It was born a cat but it doesn’t have a tail so you can’t say it’s a cat.

I know what you’re trying to do. Carry on. Go on and hurt me as you want. Go on, cut my tail. I’ve already flawed.

There is nothing more fun than ranting in your own blog, saying that it’s not for a certain group of people when the fact it is. No, I’m not going to deny anymore because I thought it would be easier for them to receive the message, oh dear ignorant people. Wait. I guess they don’t even know that these...

Never mind. 

I wish I had more courage rather than just ranting in my blog, losing my sanity and the effort I put just go to waste. 

Maybe it’s just my egocentric that rules right now. Oh here it goes the part where I keep on blaming myself; self-destruction. 

And the world is still revolving because some of us really care on who’s to blame and who’s the selfish. Also some of us really are so fucking ignorant that they think they are so fucking right and the world revolves around themselves; and the leftover people are just being too fucking nice to have a lot of mercy to comprehend.

Major fuckness.

I wish I could be ignorant too. So I don’t have to rant these trashy thoughts of mine. Sanity, sanity.

No fuck was given.

What would you do if you happened to bump into someone you used to know? Your eyes met, you realised that person still remember you, but then you looked away, acting like you’ve forgotten? But you couldn’t just go from that place because you had to stay for another hour?

... Awkward moment.

Then I thought I should’ve (at least) smiled.

It's been awhile. I know, I KNOW. Life’s been hectic these past few days. Urm. Not really. Urm. Well. This is the point where you tried to think back to a few weeks ago and tried to remember the things that made you 'busy' but you just can't because you can't remember what you've done these past few weeks. Ha. Never mind me.

So, I was just looking through my flickr and deviantart and trying to look for photos of myself back then. Then I saw one of the comments written there. Then, ah fuck. It hit me again.

You know, that moment, when you are recalling those memories that had a great impact and changed your entire life, those what-ifs popped out and then you feel guilty, because of the things you didn’t do but you should, you know.. and so on and so forth, and so the cycle goes on.

Everything happens for a reason. Do you agree?

I remembered a good friend of mine told me this, 'you know, when you are recalling your memories, it's like looking at car’s wing mirror. It’s there just so you can look at it and not to make you sad.' Then I amazed how I could go through so much. You see, eventually and somehow, you'll move on. Because eventually you get tired of being stagnant. 

I wish things were different. Everyone does. Life’s as easy like that.

Just being random. Just wondering. Just saying.

I was talking with my friend Alyssa on Skype, we talked about blogging and then it continued to Tumblr (and yes, eventually we noticed that the hipsters invaded Tumblr well that's another story) and so she gave me a link about this anorexic girl(s) and their obsession to become skinny. I was pretty… shocked, it reminded me of myself and my eating disorder a few years ago.

I can't say it was anorexia. It was close to bulimia but then I wasn't care about my weight (overall, it just numbers, isn't it?). It just happened before I realised that I had an eating disorder. My body was very weak. I could not stand on my own. The moment I started to stand on my feet, I shivered and trembling. I went through a lot of blood tests and roentgen. It was painful and tiring, with such weak body. The doctor said I didn't have enough nutritions because I didn't eat enough. I was only 13, I believe. I was in my first year of junior high school.

I realised that the problem was my eating habits. I didn't eat a lot because I didn't feel hungry. I lost my appetite. Wait, I didn't even have appetite to eat. Again, weight was not my main problem, I was only 13 and I was so thin already. Up until now I don't know why, but it was sickening. Eventually I recovered. My appetite was back and I eat like normal human being, until now. For sure, I don't want to go back to that phase again.

But now I am really grateful and blessed for food. Food is like, one of the greatest things you can get in the world. Just by eating a piece of brownies I feel like I'm the happiest girl in the universe! HAHA! Trust me, those pictures of skinny girls, they aren't pretty. Open your eyes and look. They are walking skeletons for God's sake, don't you see? If you want to eat, eat. Don't be afraid of getting/being fat. As long as you can control it you're incredibly fine.

Regarding the one that I mentioned earlier about hipsters invaded Tumblr… Well, trust me, I am a tumblr user too. I have more than one blog in Tumblr. See how much I love Tumblr? There's nothing wrong with you posting/reblogging those emotional quotes or whatever. I used to be like that. I chose to move on and be happy instead! :)

Where's the love song?
To set us free
too many people down
everything turning the wrong way around
and I don't know what love will be
but if we start dreaming now
Lord knows we'll never leave the clouds

Out of Time - Blur

Been listening to this song. Sigh. I'm being too much, ain't I?

Games, changes and fears

When will they go from here

When will they stop

I believe that faith

Has brought us here

And we should be together, babe

But we're not

I play it off but I'm dreaming of you

I'll keep my cool but I'm feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free

But I'm just a prisoner of your love

I may seem alright and smile when you leave

But my smiles are just a front, just a front

I play it off but I'm dreaming of you

I'll keep my cool but I'm feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession

May I be your possession

Boy, I need your touch

Your love, kisses and such

With all my might, I try

But this I can't deny, deny

I play it off but I'm dreaming of you

I'll keep my cool but I'm feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near